Coffee and Scribbles

One day until Kyrios 15. My last kyrios.

It's coming up all to fast now- it feels like there should be another week at least. Like we need more time. Like I want more time. This whole planning in 2 weeks thing is working really well, but I kinda miss the spread out and lead up to the retreat.

We had our traditional prayer meeting today, which means Adoration! Yea!

I went in thinking "I want to journal today", but my brain was thinking "haha that's funny".

Basically, I was planning on journaling. Then I didn't know where to start so I thought I would try a stillness prayer (it's a doodle thingy meant to help little kids, but I use it. DON'T JUDGE), and it was working really well until my brain decided that I was going to think everything at once and basically have a semi-silent meltdown all over my notebook in the form of scribbles.

You've seen it already, I'm aware. But this is what it means. Should be more interesting.

I was thinking about how this is it for me, and how life is going to change like crazy and I'm not actually prepared for it. Then it transitioned to kyrios is coming to fast and I can't do anything about it and FREEDOM GUY AHHHHHH because it really is a weird thing and I'm stressed about it and need to chat with my small group co-leader about it to make sure she knows what I'm doing ahead of time.

(Side confession: Freedom- I'm not making it up. What I say are real things I'm stressing about at this point 98% of the time. Including the "everyone expects something from me and I feel like there is no way out" line. This has passed through my head more than once this summer, in a bitter, angry way that left the rest of my brain thinking "what the heck?!?!?!?". I've been feeling a little freedom girl lately, but we can finish this later.)

Anyway, as I'm mentally spazzing out in prayer about college and life, I shifted into alternate reality mode. Meaning I was seriously asking God "if someone down the line hadn't messed up, would I have had a reason to be here? Well? Would I need to become a film maker the way I do now? Or would it be more of an icing on the cake thing, not a 'let's fix this before we all die' thing? Oh and by the way, would I have been born at a different time then? Because I am clearly in the wrong time period and I am well aware. WELL AWARE. So would I have needed to meet the same people? Or would things make ever-so-much-more sense because I would be in a different place? (Not that I'm unhappy with where I am, I just feel like it doesn't always mesh. Again, another conversation)

And then we were back to this is my last kyrios because I only get June off and what is that going to help? I'm never going to be around and I don't know what I'm going to do when everyone is across the country. I don't even know what to do when people are on vacation except wish they were home already because I miss them being just a few minuets away. Then it hit me. "I'm probably never going to see James again."

I know it sounds irrational, WELL AWARE, but this sent me into full blown freaking out because it could be true since what are the chances his leave from the Marines coincides with my breaks? I wanted to cry, because as imperfect as things always were, James has this way of making me feel special and loved and I miss him soooo much. I would put down some examples of things he said over the years, but they wouldn't sound the same and I know they are silly to everyone not me, but I remember them in crystal clarity because they mean a lot to me even tough they were just random things most of them.

At that point I dropped my pen and just lay on the floor and tried to sing or something, but I felt like I had this manic energy exploding in me and I couldn't just say something because other people were praying quietly, but the bongos and the bass were all I was really listening to and they were just feeding that manic energy and I couldn't drown it out. So when the song ended I got up and walked out for a moment to pace and talk out loud.

When I came back in I was still a little overly jumpy and so I decided to just sit, and when that didn't work I sang in my head the song I had been feeling all day- Shattered by Trading Yesterday (look it up but make sure you get the whole song). That finally worked to calm me until we got outside and I could transition from chaos to "oh look people! Happy face and everything is funny now because I don't negatively spazz in a group yay" which was good because if I had stayed in crazy mode I think I would have lost it. So thanks everyone.

That's what happened. And I'm willing to talk about any of it with anyone, I just thought someone should know what went on and this seemed like an easy way to vent what happened. My apologies to the internet for filling you with my mini meltdown.