Surrender

"Do you trust Me?"

Kyrios. Yes, I know I've already talked about it, but you can't fit three days into one blog entry. It doesn't work like that.

Now I want to tell you about something that happened on Saturday. 

There is this drama we do, commonly known as freedom, that lasts most of the morning. Every retreat one person is dubbed "freedom guy" and has to act very grumpy all morning to set up for the drama. Every time until now, it has been one of the boys, and they have done amazingly.

This weekend I got to experience "freedom", and I learned a lot and have a whole new respect for the people who have done this over the years. Kudos guys. 

If you ask me, one of the fastest ways to teach Lordship (putting God in charge), trust and humility is to make someone do this drama. 

I started out thinking this was going to be hard, but not too bad. Like "yeah, it won't be  fun, but how bad can it really be?". Then I actually got to kyrios. I would be lying if I said I wasn't thinking about it Friday. I thought about it a lot. All the time. At this point I was scared- how was I going to pull this off? So I dropped a prayer in the prayer box, thew it a glance or two in Adoration, and worried. Worrying is what I do.

The next morning I had to go almost right into it because the retreatants were up and outside early. I ran out of ideas pretty fast and went to sit and wait for the morning meeting to start in the team chapel, the one place I didn't have to be grouchy and prayed for some backup.

Post meeting we went out to do praise and worship (which is sooo much FUN). I was supposed to hand back and be a Debbie-downer, which at first wasn't bad, but as soon as people started to notice and wonder, and some of them mess with me, it got harder. Still, I was determined not to retreat into the chapel for help. I was convinced that I could last without it- count one for pride. 

Yeah, that didn't work. I found myself running back to the chapel for a break and a prayer. I got on my knees and begged God for the grace to make this work, because I couldn't do it. You see, I love my kyrios family- they mean everything to me, and while I was being this character I felt like I was hurting them, and I couldn't even say at that point "don't worry, it's all a skit!". That hurt. It was something I wasn't prepared for.

The more I realized this, the less I wanted to be freedom. There was one point where I wondered what would happen if I went to Dan and told him I didn't want to do this, I couldn't do this. Through grace (because I had no resistance on my own to the signs of spiritual warfare around me) I didn't ask. Thank-you God for that one!

So what did I learn? 

1) Humility- I almost failed, and it knocked me down a peg or two. Which I have to say it's about time. 

2) Lordship- I had to put God in charge of what I was going to do, because I was helpless on my own. I'm not exaggerating.

3) Trust- This one is another ongoing battle for me- what am I going to trust God with? This didn't change everything, but it did remind me that God will always always always ALWAYS give you what you need to do what he has set out for you.

So basically, I learned a little about surrender, and I hope that isn't something I forget soon. I want it to be part of me, even if it's just a little bit more right now.

Kyrios Girl

You all know that I call this blog "Kyrios Girl". What I realize you may not know (she said igniring the fact that anyone who reads this is on team and so is laughing at the idea) is what that means. At my parish we have a retreat called kyrios, and for me it has always been a huge deal. Four years ago I attended my first kyrios (kyrios 7) and found there something truly remarkable. Kyrios is the kind of place where miricles just happen, change is everywhere, and the Holy Spirit moves in very powerful ways. It was something I needed then, and still needed again and again, and now, nine kyri (like cacti) later on kyrios FIFTEEN (I feel so OLD) have come to rely on and think of as home.

Kyrios though, is much, much more than a retreat. Kyrios is a family- one that I have devoted myself too. Not that honestly I had much choice. My first kyrios I fell madly in love with the community and couldn't have gone back if I wanted to. There is something unique in the way that the people in that family are so warm and open, the way that God works through them, and the wonders that happen within the people inside it that is sooo amazingly attractive, putting me in it was like putting iron filings next to one of those electro-magnents that can pick up cars. 

When I walked into kyrios I already knew a few of the people there from school, but honestly I didn't see them much that weekend and I hadn't been very close with most of them anyway, as much as I loved them. Besides those people were the peer ministers that I had been coming to know, even though I didn't know them much beyond saome names and which school they were with. That scared me, a lot. There was something about them though-they shined. 

My friends can tell you that I love shiny things. I get so distracted by them... (my friend Katie always has really cool sparkly earrings, and more than once while I was talking to her I have stopped, stared at them for a second and then just start poking them because they are soooo interesting!!!!!) and like I said, they were shiny. Not like Katie's earrings, it was something inside them that made them different, made them stand out. And I knew that I wanted to be like them.

I dove in head first and started trying to learn from the people that I still think of as the living ledgends of youth ministry- people who had so mastered decipleship that it seemd to me like they were saints walking around on earth. Who better to have mentor you in being a good PMT? I felt that if I could be like them, these people who got up and told their stories and taughht us, that served all the time and were gentle to shy freshmen like myself, that soooo loved God, that I would be a success. I'll admit that seemed like an impossible goal.

Now, four years later I'm a graduated senior staring down a new life and wondering when it happened that I become one of those people who has been on a million retreats, who became one of the senior team. As per kyrios retreat we sign Bibles at the end of the retreat and I was signing some of the freshmen's and it hit me again how much had changed. I laugh with my other friends who remember those early days about how much differnt it is now than it used to be, but when they walked away I realized that the roles had switched. Now I am the senior leader trying to meet the newbies and being involved and serving, and when I look at these freshmen, I realize in a new way that this is what I must have looked like to the team  back then. It's funny, and amazing to see. I have so much hope for this generation- from the new freshies to the reigning seniors!

Somethings haven't changed though- I'm still a freshman with a lot to learn. I'm still in awe of the peer ministers around me. I still want to glow like the college kids, and in some ways that still seems out of reach, but maybe not so impossible.

It's a little bitter sweet- because this will probably be my last kyrios for a while (stupid break schedule), but this ending is for the best. It's time for me to go find a new adventure and conquer the world, and more than that, it's time for a new group to lead and take care of the community we have in kyrios. They are more than ready to be in charge- I'm not worried, I just wish I could stick around a little longer to watch it all happen.

So here's to you my kyrios family- past, present, and future. You are so beautiful, I wish the best for you. If you ever need ANYTHING I'm here for you-day or night. I love you and will do anything for you. Don't forget even for a second how much you mean to me, and even more so what you mean to God. Let him work and I promise you that wonders will happen.

Ever your loving sister,

                      - Kyrios Girl, K7-K15

Coffee and Scribbles

One day until Kyrios 15. My last kyrios.

It's coming up all to fast now- it feels like there should be another week at least. Like we need more time. Like I want more time. This whole planning in 2 weeks thing is working really well, but I kinda miss the spread out and lead up to the retreat.

We had our traditional prayer meeting today, which means Adoration! Yea!

I went in thinking "I want to journal today", but my brain was thinking "haha that's funny".

Basically, I was planning on journaling. Then I didn't know where to start so I thought I would try a stillness prayer (it's a doodle thingy meant to help little kids, but I use it. DON'T JUDGE), and it was working really well until my brain decided that I was going to think everything at once and basically have a semi-silent meltdown all over my notebook in the form of scribbles.

You've seen it already, I'm aware. But this is what it means. Should be more interesting.

I was thinking about how this is it for me, and how life is going to change like crazy and I'm not actually prepared for it. Then it transitioned to kyrios is coming to fast and I can't do anything about it and FREEDOM GUY AHHHHHH because it really is a weird thing and I'm stressed about it and need to chat with my small group co-leader about it to make sure she knows what I'm doing ahead of time.

(Side confession: Freedom- I'm not making it up. What I say are real things I'm stressing about at this point 98% of the time. Including the "everyone expects something from me and I feel like there is no way out" line. This has passed through my head more than once this summer, in a bitter, angry way that left the rest of my brain thinking "what the heck?!?!?!?". I've been feeling a little freedom girl lately, but we can finish this later.)

Anyway, as I'm mentally spazzing out in prayer about college and life, I shifted into alternate reality mode. Meaning I was seriously asking God "if someone down the line hadn't messed up, would I have had a reason to be here? Well? Would I need to become a film maker the way I do now? Or would it be more of an icing on the cake thing, not a 'let's fix this before we all die' thing? Oh and by the way, would I have been born at a different time then? Because I am clearly in the wrong time period and I am well aware. WELL AWARE. So would I have needed to meet the same people? Or would things make ever-so-much-more sense because I would be in a different place? (Not that I'm unhappy with where I am, I just feel like it doesn't always mesh. Again, another conversation)

And then we were back to this is my last kyrios because I only get June off and what is that going to help? I'm never going to be around and I don't know what I'm going to do when everyone is across the country. I don't even know what to do when people are on vacation except wish they were home already because I miss them being just a few minuets away. Then it hit me. "I'm probably never going to see James again."

I know it sounds irrational, WELL AWARE, but this sent me into full blown freaking out because it could be true since what are the chances his leave from the Marines coincides with my breaks? I wanted to cry, because as imperfect as things always were, James has this way of making me feel special and loved and I miss him soooo much. I would put down some examples of things he said over the years, but they wouldn't sound the same and I know they are silly to everyone not me, but I remember them in crystal clarity because they mean a lot to me even tough they were just random things most of them.

At that point I dropped my pen and just lay on the floor and tried to sing or something, but I felt like I had this manic energy exploding in me and I couldn't just say something because other people were praying quietly, but the bongos and the bass were all I was really listening to and they were just feeding that manic energy and I couldn't drown it out. So when the song ended I got up and walked out for a moment to pace and talk out loud.

When I came back in I was still a little overly jumpy and so I decided to just sit, and when that didn't work I sang in my head the song I had been feeling all day- Shattered by Trading Yesterday (look it up but make sure you get the whole song). That finally worked to calm me until we got outside and I could transition from chaos to "oh look people! Happy face and everything is funny now because I don't negatively spazz in a group yay" which was good because if I had stayed in crazy mode I think I would have lost it. So thanks everyone.

That's what happened. And I'm willing to talk about any of it with anyone, I just thought someone should know what went on and this seemed like an easy way to vent what happened. My apologies to the internet for filling you with my mini meltdown.

Legacy

Legacy 

I'm back! Sorry I've been away from this so long, I wish I had an excuse for you, but all I have is that I'm a bit spazy, which, since I'm pretty sure that everyone who actually reads this knows me personally, this will not come as news to you.

This entry is going to be a different kind of entry. It's not "Here! have a prayer! and a random glimpse into my life", but it was born from prayer, so I feel it still belongs- otherwise I would have put this journal like mess in one of my other blogs.

I was at PMT Sunday (Peer Ministry Team), and Dan, our youth minister decided to lead an opening prayer around the song "Generations" by Sarah Groves (I apologize for any name misspelling). 

Now musically, I admit this was not one of my favorite songs. Miss Groves and I have a few minor disagreements about where certain notes and gaps belong (mental ranting blah de blah de blah), but lyrically it was spot on, and I can respenct that regardless. 

So I found myself in a crircle getting ready to share about the lines "I can pass on a curse or a blessing/ to those I will never know". And of course as we were going around with what legacy we wanted to leave behind we started two or three people away from me and went in my direction. I had no idea what to say. You would think because I'm a senior and I've been working in this group for four years now that I would have figured out this semi-oh-so-very-important concept, but of course not. Thus ther I sat, two monts from leaving, haveing no idea what I wanted to leave behind and embarassingly enough having to say "I don't know, and honestly the whole thing kinds freaks me out a little" when it was my turn to speak. Awesome.

Everyone laughed when I said this, which I don't have a problem with- humor is a good thing and this happens to me a lot. I will say something in all seriousness and it ends up being funny. I'm actually greatful (since when I try to be funny it's just downright painful), but this time I was a little frusterated because I was freaking out a little bit and it was comming off as a joke and ruining the mood of the prayer. 

It got me thinking though, what do I want my legacy to be? What do people think it is (someone said something but I was slightly less than enthused about it because its one of those by-accident things and I was in the middle of a by-accident momnet so it didn't stick)? What are people going to remember about me twenty years from now? How about two years from now since I won't be around because of my break schedule? Can I freak out now about the smallness of human beings which I have a back and forth ok-with-this-or-not relationship?

Here is what I have thought out so far:

I want to leave behind a sense of acceptance. The kind of acceptance that gives people the permission to be themselves and act wierd and not worry about what someone else thinks of them or their dreams or where they've been. I want to leave behind a sense of family. Family that is around for you whenever, for whatever you need/want them for. The kind of family that knows when you need a little extra support and don't even blink when they come in even before you ask it becaus they know you and they care. I want to leave behind a sense of wonder- wonder at the world and how amazing it all is, and wonder in the sense of miricles, for which I am greatful because I've gotten waaaay mor ethan my share. 

I want to leave behind a resolution that you can do anything, even when people think you must have lost your mind because there is no way on EARTH that this couls work out. I want to leave behind a legacy of trust, because truth is that we (or I at least) realize that we have no idea what we're doing, but none of this is actually up to us anyway so we do the best we can and try to stay out of God's way. I want to leave behind that feeling that God made you a promise, and you can trust him. (This happens to me- I don't know how to explain it, but it'slike you just know something and God says "don't worry about it, let this promise hang in the back of your mind and let go".)

I want to leave behind a sense of duty, and a sense of protectiveness of those we love and serve and those we serve with. An instinct to shelter each other from the outside, or even ourselves if we do something careless. I want people to inherit a sense of caution- because a careless word can do a lot of damage, even though you didn't know what happened. 

And lastly (for now at least) a sense of joy and honesty. Joy, because without joy this falls flat, and honesty because if we aren't honest we will bring everything down around us.

I know, that's a lot, but I want to pass  on all the best in my legacy, even the things I'm still working on. Legacy isn't necessisarily about who you are, but what you want for those around you- those pieces hand in hand. 

If I even leave a piece of this behind, I won't be a failure, and I can be happy with what I'm leaving my team with. 

I hope I have something worthwhile for you to inherit when this is all over guys. You deserve the best.

Tell Me a Story

Today is Good Friday, and I have two prayers to post today.

The first is to tell you to look up and say the Divine Mercy Chaplet- the novena starts today and finishes the Sunday after Easter. There is incredible grace that comes from it.

The second part is a story.

Yes, I did just say story. Like "Once upon a time".

I have to warn you though, it's not a happy story. It's beautiful and terrible, and worth your time.

I suggest meditating on it. You can comment if you would like an explanation. Written from a woman's point of view.


You were in the mall the other day. I saw you. You and your husband... what was his name again? I don't remember... though I'm sure everyone remembers him. He was perfect. The most perfect man I have ever seen before in my life. Tall, funny, and absolutely gorgeous! I thought he was a prince- he looked the part. He had everything, and what he wanted most in the world was you. He loved you. Loved you so much, that he wanted to give you everything.

Nothing was to much to for his love. The shopping trip that day was his idea- he wanted to surprise you with something.

It started off well enough. You shopped, and looked in the store windows, and he listened to you talk about nothing for hours on end. He would have been happy even if neither of you had spoken all day. It didn't matter to him as long as you were together. That was enough to make him deliriously happy.

Then everything went horribly, horribly wrong.

A mad man with a gun came out of a store and started yelling at you. "You! You did this! It's all your fault!!! And now you will pay." He lowered the gun so that it was aimed at you head.

You were going to die. No ifs, ands, or buts. No talking him out of it. The man cocked his gun and you saw your life pass before your eyes. Everything you've done, everything you didn't do, everything you are proud of and regret. It was over so fast...

Right before the man could fire a strong voice rang out "STOP!"

"Please! I'm begging you! Don't shoot! I love her!!!" It was your magnificent husband, terrified for you life, desperate to keep you safe- because the very idea of life without you hurt him so badly that he was willing to do anything to give you every chance of walking away from this.

The gunman paused for a moment to stare at him. "She deserves this. You know she does. You know." You're husband didn't hesitate. He looked the other man straight in the eyes and said "Will you take me in her place? If you shoot me, would you let her go?" The man considered for a moment your husband- his innocence in the matter that he would claim your life for and his willingness to sacrifice for you. "Yes" the man nodded. "If you will take her place, I will be satisfied, and she will not be harmed."

"Take me then."

The shot was defining. In one moment, your beautiful, wonderful husband, the man who wanted nothing in the world but to be with you forever, was gone because of your mistakes. He died for you that day and he did it gladly.

He loves you. Loves you in a way that I cannot even begin to comprehend, but hope that everyone who was there that day, who hears this story, wants to experience.

I hope you know that.

I hope you never forget.

Adoration

My friend John took me to adoration tonight. It was nice to chill, to feel connected to life and make me feel like I was going to get there eventually. I've been feeling strange lately, getting insight into my life, but also becoming more and more aggravated with my life. I want to move on to the part of my life where I am successful and off on my own traveling and meeting new people and being on beyond high-school and all the ways that I'm not part of it. But in adoration, for a moment, I could just exist.

Today's prayer is silence.

Friendship

I've been watching clips from the show Sherlock over break. And reading stories. And watching the episodes...

Anyway, ups, incredible downs, whatever, it's a really interesting moment of being in someone else's mind, and seeing yourself in those moments. :) One of the best parts in it is being able to see the friendship there.

Friendship is the giving of your heart to someone, and saying- here this is me. This is what is important to me. You can keep it if you want. Explore it. Break it. Please, please, please don't break it. Please don't hurt me, but it's ok if you do. I'll forgive you, because you mean a lot to me, and you wouldn't break my heart without a really good reason.

Scary. Really scary. But so worth it.

Prayer:

Lord, please bless my friends, wherever they are. Let them know that I love them, and would do anything for them. Help me to bring good to the always, because I love them, and they bring good into my life and show me You. Please protect them Lord. Keep them close to You, and be there for them especially when I can not. Thanks for giving them to me. Thank You, thank You, thank You.


Amen